im sleepy.

a lot of times i wonder... actually... well, the lack of... communication... makes me wonder if im invisible sometimes...

if it's me or if it's them... it's probably a little bit of both... and i probably wont get answers right away because whats the point, three years later, and im a big pansy, and i hate confrontation... im only honest with those who can be hella honest back...

i think that's how i figure out people... when they confide in me and are completely honest, lets me know that they trust me... and if it's constant, then i realize that i can trust them back... or maybe they do something else that makes me wonder if i want to trust them or not...

people dont see me the way i see them. and that's ok... most of the time.

i remember a time where i just wanted people to leave me alone and i would wonder why they had to be all up in my business like it was their own and they had some right to my decisions or whatever. i still feel like that, but it's like... well i definitely got what i asked for. i think it kinda traumatized me into this.

im not usually this introspective on blogger. i feel like im looking through one of those two way mirrors tho, that im looking in, and i dont realize people can see me, but they can and if you look close enough, you'll realize that.

i feel somewhat ashamed to say this but...


im HELLA amped for the laguna beach season 2 premiere. boo to lc for dissing my college town, which i love and miss.

i know there are so many things i could say and do, that wouldnt be fake, that would get attention, that would make people notice. but that's not who i am anymore... i think i'd scare people off if they knew nothing but the truth tho. which makes me wonder why michael chooses to stay with me despite having this knowledge. im mercilessly attitude-y at times, and he's so... non mood swing having... his patience is amazing.

what would i be if i wanted to be made?? things im not now are all... been there done that over it.

"theyre considered the pretty or beautiful girls at school but it depends on who's looking at them"

i think i need to understand that. no wait, scratch that... i need to... well, fill in that blank.

just when you think you've hit self-actualization, shit happens. makes you wonder... about things that you shouldnt be wondering about, about shit you've already figured out, but then shit comes and you just doubt what you know.

ever since i was censored here... ive felt censored in general. and acted accordingly. it does feel fake. but im also learning not to waste my time on... stupid shit that doesnt really matter, it's just stupid shit you get into when you're young and those things actually matter for some reason. but it doesnt. if you dont have anything nice to say dont say anything at all. unless you're right... but even then it's probably smarter to keep quiet.

tired. have to pack lunch & pick an outfit for tomorrow. the hot weather has made my three week rotation of work clothes a two week rotation. bootches.

it's scary how irrelevant my thoughts are. sleep is relevant. i need relevancy.

john elkins i miss you, sorry we played phone tag, mister i'm a big bad job person now, please take my magnets that have my picture on it. bestfriend, we need to catch up.