(downer blog. proceed with caution, and please do not assume who or what I'm talking about, because there's a lot of unsaid going on... please)

I act on my insecurities. My thinking is skewed because of it. My insecurities are so strong that I think about things that aren't really there... why is that so hard to understand? to believe? They may not be real... but because of a lack of counter action, they're real to me.

I don't know why I have these insecurities. I'm not quite sure where they're based in. I think it's my whole lack of trust thing. If something's feels too good to be true, then it often is. I know I don't trust like I used to. I'm expecting to be disappointed. It's such a sad thing, but I really do expect to be let down. It's hard to trust anyone because I don't feel like I can. I don't know why that is. Actually... maybe I do. And I know that I push people away because of this.

I think that I have unrealistic expectations. I'm stubborn and single minded to the point of destruction. I think I took that from the book, and it resonated strongly.

What wasted unconditional love...on somebody who doesn't believe in the stuff. - F.A.

I think that might actually apply to me... instead of a line being directed at someone else, I mean. Do I believe in unconditional love? I thought I did. I don't think so anymore, though. I think it's because I feel like I'm incapable of it. My selfish side has really been showing, I'm ashamed to say. Like, I can watch how I act outside of myself, but I don't know how to stop it. I'm working on it... at least, I think I am, but I think I'm also just feeding it moreso.

My peace & quiet was stolen from me. - F.A.

I've been putting off studying for my two midterms on Monday because I've been sick and been trying to rest it off. Both are self-defeating, as I'm still quite sick and I've barely gotten into studying for one of them... can't study for the other bc I lent out my notes & won't get them back till Friday. I had a bad cough in my science class today... the kind where I seriously couldn't breathe, like I felt like my throat was closed and... well it's no good happening during class. I was grateful that I was sitting ag. the wall and I could turn my head. I'm sure I was turning all shades of red, of embarassment and lack of oxygen. I think my sadness and my stress are contributing factors in my indisposition.

Staying here this weekend. Busy.

I shouldn't feel so down. But the sad parts of my life, whether they should or not, are overruling my proud moments... particularly one that happened today. Well, potentially proud... there's still a chance that I could f*** it up royally. Compliments, especially from respected strangers... are very valuable. They make all the times that you're being taken for granted, from a lot of the areas in your life, they make up for it.

I think that's it. I'm at an imbalance... constantly feeling taken for granted by all aspects in life, from people from all parts of my life... and I'm trying to make up for it by the selfishness, because I feel like I deserve some sort of recognition and retribution for being overlooked. I feel like I'm owed something. I think that's both wrong and right.

I wish I was as strong as I feel when I'm at my best all the time. But then maybe I'd become overly arrogant. What then?