i dont mean for this post to be a "wahh me, poor me" kind of blog, but please understand that everything right now, for me, is forced internalization, which means i pretty much cant say anything to anyone about what's going on with me. just imagine being completely crushed, upset, frustrated, sad, confused... and having to keep that all inside. so please just let me do this...

im just... really really sad right now. recently, throughout the course of a day, i'll go through a cycle of being mad and sad and frustrated and sad... it sucks because im so half assing it at work, and im grumpy when im off and just getting through the day is such a task.

i want to reach out to someone, i want to call and ask for help, i want to cry on someone's shoulders, but that would be hypocritical, bc i've cut off ties with someone before who would only call me if he had a problem... not because we were friends first. so while i wish that i could do that, i know that that would just be going against my own principles.

it just feels like everything is inevitable, and i have lost control of it. and i know that i will have moments of weakness and attempt to go back, but we all know that that's not possible.

things just... suck right now. i feel like i need one of those full on long bawling sessions. i feel myself on the verge of one throughout the day, but the time and place arent right, so i have to swallow my pride and just deal. that's pretty much my only choice, dealing with what's going on.

im really really sad.