it's time for me to get brutally honest. maybe not brutally, but pretty deep for me, considering what a private person i've become over the past three or four years...
my heart... what's left of it... feels like it's in my stomach. everything feels a little surreal. i feel like im going through motions. it's hard to concentrate. i feel like im just waiting and wanting to burst but not having the chance to bc i'm too busy going through daily motions that im expected to maintain. it makes things hard.
things are very hard. things have been very difficult for me for the past month or so, especially. realizing the truth hurts a lot. realizing that you're not enough, realizing that you cant be who you wish you could... realizing that things sometimes just dont turn out what they could have, should have been... it's all very difficult.
im having a difficult time. keeping up appearances. keeping it all in. keeping it all to myself.
im losing my appetite. im losing focus.
im very sad. a blue that i haven't seen since... 1999 or 2000.
no more blame game. it doest matter who's at fault or what really happened or whatever. point is... things aren't what they were and we're dumb to believe that ... well im dumb... for thinking that im so good at adapting...
i guess when it comes to matters of knowing what i deserve... i wont compromise. i cant. it's all i have left.
not all. i know it's not all i have left. i know that i've ben pictured as having quite the picture perfect lifestyle... great grades, a chance to graduate early, secure home, well loved. things aren't perfect, but i know that im lucky in more ways than one.
i know what i deserve. i know what i want. it's hard to consider much else when you know those things.
i realize that even though this is more than what i usually divulge about what goes on and what i feel that it's still quite... vague. i dont like directly talking about people. i dont like naming names online. that's too personal for me, that's too.. too revealing. sometimes i wish i could though, so i could just be real and honest and straightforward and say fuck all to what others say and think.
even though i feel like this, i dont know if i'd want to actually talk about what im going through if i was given the opportunity. paradoxical like that, i guess. that's probably the wrong word actually. like i said, things have made me feel really out of it lately. things dont feel concrete anymore. what i thought would be... stable... isnt anymore.
things have changed. change hurts like hell.
my heart... what's left of it... feels like it's in my stomach. everything feels a little surreal. i feel like im going through motions. it's hard to concentrate. i feel like im just waiting and wanting to burst but not having the chance to bc i'm too busy going through daily motions that im expected to maintain. it makes things hard.
things are very hard. things have been very difficult for me for the past month or so, especially. realizing the truth hurts a lot. realizing that you're not enough, realizing that you cant be who you wish you could... realizing that things sometimes just dont turn out what they could have, should have been... it's all very difficult.
im having a difficult time. keeping up appearances. keeping it all in. keeping it all to myself.
im losing my appetite. im losing focus.
im very sad. a blue that i haven't seen since... 1999 or 2000.
no more blame game. it doest matter who's at fault or what really happened or whatever. point is... things aren't what they were and we're dumb to believe that ... well im dumb... for thinking that im so good at adapting...
i guess when it comes to matters of knowing what i deserve... i wont compromise. i cant. it's all i have left.
not all. i know it's not all i have left. i know that i've ben pictured as having quite the picture perfect lifestyle... great grades, a chance to graduate early, secure home, well loved. things aren't perfect, but i know that im lucky in more ways than one.
i know what i deserve. i know what i want. it's hard to consider much else when you know those things.
i realize that even though this is more than what i usually divulge about what goes on and what i feel that it's still quite... vague. i dont like directly talking about people. i dont like naming names online. that's too personal for me, that's too.. too revealing. sometimes i wish i could though, so i could just be real and honest and straightforward and say fuck all to what others say and think.
even though i feel like this, i dont know if i'd want to actually talk about what im going through if i was given the opportunity. paradoxical like that, i guess. that's probably the wrong word actually. like i said, things have made me feel really out of it lately. things dont feel concrete anymore. what i thought would be... stable... isnt anymore.
things have changed. change hurts like hell.
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