it's time for me to get brutally honest. maybe not brutally, but pretty deep for me, considering what a private person i've become over the past three or four years...

my heart... what's left of it... feels like it's in my stomach. everything feels a little surreal. i feel like im going through motions. it's hard to concentrate. i feel like im just waiting and wanting to burst but not having the chance to bc i'm too busy going through daily motions that im expected to maintain. it makes things hard.

things are very hard. things have been very difficult for me for the past month or so, especially. realizing the truth hurts a lot. realizing that you're not enough, realizing that you cant be who you wish you could... realizing that things sometimes just dont turn out what they could have, should have been... it's all very difficult.

im having a difficult time. keeping up appearances. keeping it all in. keeping it all to myself.

im losing my appetite. im losing focus.

im very sad. a blue that i haven't seen since... 1999 or 2000.

no more blame game. it doest matter who's at fault or what really happened or whatever. point is... things aren't what they were and we're dumb to believe that ... well im dumb... for thinking that im so good at adapting...

i guess when it comes to matters of knowing what i deserve... i wont compromise. i cant. it's all i have left.

not all. i know it's not all i have left. i know that i've ben pictured as having quite the picture perfect lifestyle... great grades, a chance to graduate early, secure home, well loved. things aren't perfect, but i know that im lucky in more ways than one.

i know what i deserve. i know what i want. it's hard to consider much else when you know those things.

i realize that even though this is more than what i usually divulge about what goes on and what i feel that it's still quite... vague. i dont like directly talking about people. i dont like naming names online. that's too personal for me, that's too.. too revealing. sometimes i wish i could though, so i could just be real and honest and straightforward and say fuck all to what others say and think.

even though i feel like this, i dont know if i'd want to actually talk about what im going through if i was given the opportunity. paradoxical like that, i guess. that's probably the wrong word actually. like i said, things have made me feel really out of it lately. things dont feel concrete anymore. what i thought would be... stable... isnt anymore.

things have changed. change hurts like hell.

i love how i realize that i never really understood that one song, "many clouds of smoke". but i'd hear it all the time...

but now listening to it... like the actual lyrics and everything... it's amazing. how i didnt notice it before.

i remember listening to it when i wasnt even twelve yet, probably, with my cousin and my sister.... in a van... my cousin pretending to "roll up a fat one"... and passed it to me... then i passed it to belle. i dont remember what her reaction was. it was probably the same "what the fuck" look she often gave me as we grew up under the same roof. when we werent friends.

but yeah. hugs not drugs, man.

altho... "the one they call alcohol got me actin, yall"... not really. sort of. i had a strawberry smoothie and when i tasted it, all i could think of was how good it would taste if a little rum was in it. God, i'll probably gain weight again when i turn twenty one because dont all those drinks have a high caloric value? hmm.

but im still good. i promise. level headed... and shit.

im in that same dilemma where im in crossroads with nilesh and i need to pee but someone will steal nilesh if i go pee and leave it here. yes. so i will leave soon. and then trek over to starbucks before sunset (what time is sunset?) because i have a strong need for coffee. v. strong.

cha, im glad your parents will not get inundated by the after effects of katrina, including all of the looting. tell them to go afterwards to help out the louisianan economy that will be in billions of dollars worth of debt when this is all over.

i think i'll be volunteering for a non profit gay rights organization. awesome.

helllooo. @ the computer lab w/kat while she orders a pimped out powerbook and i just eff around because we have no internet!! boo boo.

im hungry. jamba is good. dons dollars saves my ass.

sorry. random. not much to say. sorry man. it's funny bc it's hella quiet here but kat's all on the phone with her mom and then i can feel people rolling their eyes whenever i talk to her because i realize that my voice is quite high and valley-like and i say hella and like a lot. yeah, you couldnt tell that im collegiate. how sad. oh well...

yeah im think im transferring over to the "dark" side... as in with a choice of pc or mac in this lab, i chose mac. oh michael, i know you're shaking your head right now. sorry love. it's alright.

uhm. i dont want to go to politics class tomorrow, she scares me. but it's a short class. but i luv history. i cant wait for that class. hooray.

bye for now man.