ARGH! im so red right now, but also somewhat blue, but definitely more red than blue.

jami i wish i could commiserate with you right now.

on a better note, my last day of work was v. orange. everyone was all wishing me good luck with school and telling me positive reinforcement things.

but then the thing that made me red makes me want to apply for law school far far away. not here. boston college law school here i come.

SO red. so not fun.

no beer, thanks. but i think i could use some chocolate... a small piece from Joseph Schmidt or something... or a lobster roll. no mayo. i hate mayo.


(ok, for future reference... blue=sad, red=angry, orange=happy, neon aubergine/purple= both a little blue/red, confused, pink = indifferent)

i was feeling really orange today but then i came across something that i was purposely trying to avoid to spare myself, but then i saw it, and it made me a little more blue. so i'm pink now. yeah i could definitely use some chocolate or a lobster roll, no mayo.

or simply the company of a dear friend who i havent seen or spoken to in awhile. any one of you out there, bc while i may seem very hostile, i do consider there to be quite a few dear friends out there in the void. "goodnight dear void".

last day of work tomorrow. im a little stressed over getting things set up in my apt, esp. bc ive been lagging in that, compared to my roommates... but school makes me calm. i dont really feel stressed out when im in school, to be honest. my coworkers are having a small small pizza party for me tomorrow. yay. i like pizza. having a maui bowl @ wahoos in a bit.

old friend just passed by. short convo. made me feel better about some things in my life... things that i rightfully should be proud of...

i've started having more anxiety lately because i can feel it in my stomach. i never used to feel like that in school. ive felt like that quite often this past month.

one raspberry jam filled donut please. with some vanilla soy milk. and a joseph schmidt confectionary, hazelnut.

i like to pretend that food solves problems. it's easier to do now that i've found out that i am of healthy weight... very healthy, according to one source. sometimes, food does solve problems. dont you wonder what the world would be like if no one was hungry... and not just hungry like i am now, but like, the Bucket family from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory hungry...

i think a nice future job would be ending the world's hunger... it just needs some even distribution is all.

my ibook has rhinestones.

im... upset. grumpy. taking out my frustrations because everything feels like it's upsetting me all at once again.

i really should have taken some time off between work and school. but i didnt. because i need the money.

sometimes i wonder if i make time for the people i care about... and it's not about me not having time, its about me not haing the means to show them that i want to make the time, i guess. does that make sense?

there are people who i feel are there for me and hear me out and i can be honest to. there are people who i feel connected to, even if we go on for months without talking. there are people who i feel that the "title" is there, but all of the substance is not... there is no trust, no talking, hardly any communication, it feels... like it's for the sake of it, not like our hearts are in it.

im trying to figure out what my part in all of this is. maybe i should treat it like i would a romantic relationship. sometimes the chemistry is there, sometimes there's not. there are exes, and you may wish to go back to the good ole days with them, but you need to realize that they've become someone else, and the magic's just not there anymore. and then there are people you just have natural chemistry with, whether you've tried being without them or not. it's just indifferent, it is how it is. it's not forced.

im trying to figure out whythings have evolved to what they are today. some things i understand, some things i dont. im grateful for the things that have worked out positively, for the moments where i can smile and feel grateful for the person, for the moment... and i wish for more of those moments whenever im feeling lonely or abandoned, something i've felt a lot of this summer.

i think im... not mad anymore, but i used to be mad... maybe, appalled... because the people that i thought would care more... dont. or they dont show it. or they do and i dont see it. or it's not enough. i dont know.

im having issues.