(downer blog. proceed with caution, and please do not assume who or what I'm talking about, because there's a lot of unsaid going on... please)

I act on my insecurities. My thinking is skewed because of it. My insecurities are so strong that I think about things that aren't really there... why is that so hard to understand? to believe? They may not be real... but because of a lack of counter action, they're real to me.

I don't know why I have these insecurities. I'm not quite sure where they're based in. I think it's my whole lack of trust thing. If something's feels too good to be true, then it often is. I know I don't trust like I used to. I'm expecting to be disappointed. It's such a sad thing, but I really do expect to be let down. It's hard to trust anyone because I don't feel like I can. I don't know why that is. Actually... maybe I do. And I know that I push people away because of this.

I think that I have unrealistic expectations. I'm stubborn and single minded to the point of destruction. I think I took that from the book, and it resonated strongly.

What wasted unconditional love...on somebody who doesn't believe in the stuff. - F.A.

I think that might actually apply to me... instead of a line being directed at someone else, I mean. Do I believe in unconditional love? I thought I did. I don't think so anymore, though. I think it's because I feel like I'm incapable of it. My selfish side has really been showing, I'm ashamed to say. Like, I can watch how I act outside of myself, but I don't know how to stop it. I'm working on it... at least, I think I am, but I think I'm also just feeding it moreso.

My peace & quiet was stolen from me. - F.A.

I've been putting off studying for my two midterms on Monday because I've been sick and been trying to rest it off. Both are self-defeating, as I'm still quite sick and I've barely gotten into studying for one of them... can't study for the other bc I lent out my notes & won't get them back till Friday. I had a bad cough in my science class today... the kind where I seriously couldn't breathe, like I felt like my throat was closed and... well it's no good happening during class. I was grateful that I was sitting ag. the wall and I could turn my head. I'm sure I was turning all shades of red, of embarassment and lack of oxygen. I think my sadness and my stress are contributing factors in my indisposition.

Staying here this weekend. Busy.

I shouldn't feel so down. But the sad parts of my life, whether they should or not, are overruling my proud moments... particularly one that happened today. Well, potentially proud... there's still a chance that I could f*** it up royally. Compliments, especially from respected strangers... are very valuable. They make all the times that you're being taken for granted, from a lot of the areas in your life, they make up for it.

I think that's it. I'm at an imbalance... constantly feeling taken for granted by all aspects in life, from people from all parts of my life... and I'm trying to make up for it by the selfishness, because I feel like I deserve some sort of recognition and retribution for being overlooked. I feel like I'm owed something. I think that's both wrong and right.

I wish I was as strong as I feel when I'm at my best all the time. But then maybe I'd become overly arrogant. What then?

it's so wrong that im awake right now. in the course of resting and taking this morning off of work, I feel the same as I did yesterday, except maybe with more of a voice... and I passed it on to stephie. whoops. sorry stephie. i hope mr. spiderman is gone too. maybe he went upstairs to collect comcast $.

is it wrong that I don't like people who misspell easy words? or kind of easy words? gorgeous. not that hard. really, it's not. you're over twenty now, come on. and there's spell check. i think i'm also bothered by the teenybopper alphabet/slang after the age of... well, maybe twenty also. heck, I'd say 18, but that's just me. ohh, i'm borderlining preachy right now, and I'm too close to sounding like these arrogant pricks I know in school that I just want to knock off of their high horses.

I'm grumpy. I'm sick. I get to be grumpy. Besides, this is an online forum. No names will pass by, and very few hints are dropped. Few people can make the linkage, hopefully. I should make up names. Maybe I'd get in trouble though, because people will read into it... I think I'm thinking too much now. OHHH, you know how Oprah says there's the ugly cry? I'm having the ugly cough... not like my lungs will get ejected or anything but still pretty bad.

I just tried describing my umbrella in a teenybopper term... then had to delete it because it just looked so so painful. Man.

I could so go for some pizza. Not really because I have no appetite. Just taste buds. Usually, when you're sick, there's no tastebuds and no appetite... tea. If it wasn't so late I'd have tea. And it's late because I need to wake up early to do school things that I didn't do today because I was "resting"... I was resting though. And I went to my classes... is it bad that I don't care about infecting people in my classes, but I care about infecting the people @ the office? Did that make sense? Whatever, man, I cover my mouth, I take my Comtrex & my Airborn... and I know this means nothing to Stephie because she's sick too now... I'm babbling. Sorry.

Doing ok, but still undermotivated this semester. This past school year has been one of my unhealthiest too, it feels like. I'm soo not looking forward to waking up tomorrow morning, as that is when I feel my worst.

Sorry for the downer blog of me just whining about being sick, and being a little arrogant about spelling. Freedom of speech. Yay America. Ohh, I'm out of it. =) because my #26 car moved up 7 spots in points bc he finished in the top 10 on Sunday. hoorah.

My boyfriend is leaving me. His cat is staying @ my parents' house. His cat chases our fat cat bc he wants to play. Poor Ewok.

Cha, I got your letter, but I've lost my stamps argggghrr (like a pirate!). Sorry for what will be my late reply.

lindemans framboise peach lambic please. i don't care if it's bad for my larynx.

Hi! I'm sick. No voice. Sound a lot worse than I feel... it's not even that sexy husky voice... shame. Ugh. Too bad part of my job, especially on Monday mornings, is to answer phones. Should I go? The admin's going to make me go home if she finds out I'm sick... and there's no hiding it with my voice...

I wish it wasn't raining so I could go get some cough syrup. But I did get a new umbrella from Old Navy. It's not white but what can you do in April...

I'm becoming wheezy. Damn. Now it's a good thing that I don't smoke. Thanks, Michael, for making all those threats about leaving me if I ever started. That's love. =)

He & I have been having a rough week (which I'm sure my roommates could hear through these paper thin walls; no this is not why I've lost my voice; I'm sorry, I tried not to get into arguments when I knew you were home!), but by the end of the week, we're happy for the time that we get to see each other and spend with each other and we can laugh off most everything that's been said in the week. It's a typical pattern in our relationship for quite some time; I guess that's what happens when we don't get to see each other on a daily basis.

No D&B's this weekend. We did stand in line for Ice Age 2, however. We passed the time by me kicking his ass in cell phone Monopoly while listening to my top rated playlist on my ipod. (I don't recommend the movie, by the way) We played air hockey, but sober, and in my indisposed state, I was still able to beat him. =) Wow, there's a lot of bragging going on in this paragraph. Sorry. Michael's great this week because he buys me a book that has nothing to do with academia (The Ivy Chronicles... that, I do recommend).

I feel icky. People also need to realize that when I tell them like three weeks in advance that I am unavailable for a date and time... that means the week of the unavailability do not ask me to be available! That makes me feel more icky.

I haven't tried to speak since four thirty today. Did you remember to set your clocks forward? For the most part, I did, although the microwave hasn't changed, and it threw me off a little. Five hours has made no difference. I'm going to go Google laryngitis now. Rain for two more weeks. Hope I get rid of the evil cough by then.