to be grateful for... my health... my college education... the love of my family & boyfriend... warm clothes... roof over my head...
that being said... that i've counted my blessings... you know that feeling when everything just hits you at once? like, everything... everything to me means my family, my boyfriend, school. yeah, that kind of everything. all that is near and dear to me keeps shaking me up.
all four of my classes are kicking me... i'm handling it, but i don't feel like im succeeding... not the way i need to be at this crucial point. law school is a big pressure... i think i'm aiming for davis... but these four classes... all of them, i need to give 110%... dance class, history class, politics, legal studies... three finals, four papers... two papers over 12 pages... one due in a week that requires extra reading... so much... sure i'll get them done one by one... i only have one more month left... then my junior year is over and i'm officially a senior, i officially start my last year of college... college felt just as safe as high school... without all of that competitive isht going on... but law school is all about competition...
it's no secret that the boyfriend and i have been struggling. mostly because so much has changed this past year, in each of our lives, independently of each other. & even tho i know i'm a little obsessive about him, i talk about him a lot... we've never seen each other on a daily basis... our relationship is largely telephone, seeing each other once or twice a week, living about forty minutes apart from each other... with him living apart from his family, i'm used to not sharing his time or attention... but that's changed... and i've been adjusting... it's difficult for me...
my family... well that's private. let's just say that... for one of my classes, i'm doing a service learning project, volunteering... and then writing something that will help that particular service... & then recently i learn that... i'm closer to that service than i once thought. something i've never had to deal wtih before... i started to write about that part as a draft for my final paper... and when i was done, it felt like i had just finished with a long draining cry, even though i hadn't. it was odd. and that comfort after you get after you're able to let go and cry... yeah i didn't get that.
i'm trying to be strong and be above it and act like none of this affects me. that just makes it even worse for me because i have to keep it all inside. that's why my posts have been more... explicit. i dont really say much outside of this.
i'm twenty years old... when did life become so difficult? you think you know all of the answers... and then you realize that you are just twenty and you still need to learn so much, and just because you've learned from other peoples mistakes and are supposedly wiser because of this... doesn't make it any more difficult putting up with people who have yet to learn. why do we think that we know so much? yeah i want to be taken seriously... but i think i still need to accept my place.
i'm rambling. i'm sorry. i look forward to 2006. actually, i just look forward to the keith urban concert, because that's when the school part will be over. but then i work full time. i really need a break... just a pause. & thanksgiving isnt enough.
