how come i dont have any options for colour and such over here? that sucks...

anyways, im on my new ibook! I'm way excited about it, altho everyone and their mom was trying to discourage me from getting it. it made me sad. so i went to the apple store sans parents, and got it... and i got a mini ipod for my sister, which i will get a rebate for, and then it will be free! so yes. im a good sister.

my ibook's name is nilesh. my sister's ipod's name is alpa. if you've watched the wedding story on tlc lately, you'd understand. we tivo'ed it on Thor, the Tivo.

i love nilesh tho.

so i've been having some hard times with old acquaintances and family and over my new apartment and the boyfriend. but things are looking up now. i think i'll feel a little more relaxed when im at school. there's something extremely calming about that rolling fog and that sixty three degree weather.

i love Hitch.

i have six more days of work. you really dont understand the value of a friday until you're working full time, nine to five, that kinda business. not even high school fridays compare. in high school, you get out at three o'clock. so lucky and we dont even realize it.

more later. big brother six.

i dont mean for this post to be a "wahh me, poor me" kind of blog, but please understand that everything right now, for me, is forced internalization, which means i pretty much cant say anything to anyone about what's going on with me. just imagine being completely crushed, upset, frustrated, sad, confused... and having to keep that all inside. so please just let me do this...

im just... really really sad right now. recently, throughout the course of a day, i'll go through a cycle of being mad and sad and frustrated and sad... it sucks because im so half assing it at work, and im grumpy when im off and just getting through the day is such a task.

i want to reach out to someone, i want to call and ask for help, i want to cry on someone's shoulders, but that would be hypocritical, bc i've cut off ties with someone before who would only call me if he had a problem... not because we were friends first. so while i wish that i could do that, i know that that would just be going against my own principles.

it just feels like everything is inevitable, and i have lost control of it. and i know that i will have moments of weakness and attempt to go back, but we all know that that's not possible.

things just... suck right now. i feel like i need one of those full on long bawling sessions. i feel myself on the verge of one throughout the day, but the time and place arent right, so i have to swallow my pride and just deal. that's pretty much my only choice, dealing with what's going on.

im really really sad.

it can be such a long time and you'll think that you're over it but then you hear something or something happens and you realize that it still hurts. and you dont really get to do anything about it... man. i wish i was over it. it hurts tho. being left out. being neglected. being ignored & forgotten. makes me sad.

i think that's why i get really jazzed inside when i meet people who are hella nice, especially from the get-go, and they act like they've known you for awhile and it just makes everything all comfortable and humorous.

so i can be totally ok with going shopping by myself, by hanging out and vegging out and having a night in by myself, but... being around human beings can be nice too.

*update* peter jennings died tonight. 67. lung cancer. chrissy, pls stop smoking. it makes me sad bc he's one of those people that you're just hella used to seeing on tv regularly... and then now he's not there, he hasnt been there since april, since being diagnosed... did you know he only became a us citizen like, within the past five years? hes canadian. i always wanted to go into journalism, but i know i could never do what he did, travelling the world, setting examples, holding composure when terrible things are happening...

i miss you... a lot... more than i thought i would. i know that we're ok tho, and things will... well i dont really know. our situation makes me sad.

sorry if this post was somewhat depressing... if you want to know details, because im kind of vague, i suppose i could tell you, especially if i know that you care enough to ask. because a lot of people dont... care, or ask. so... yeah. goodnight.

Jengy's Soundtrack ...note: some of these songs have been on soundtracks, and maybe i've idealized life in that way, so yes, you can call me unoriginal, but dont call me dishonest.

this has been under constant construction since the day i copied it from jonathan reyes' blog. and i rely a lot on my ipod for this information. sorry for the repeat artists, but keith urban, kenny chesney, rascal flatts, & janet jackson really do it for me. that's my dream team.


OPENING CREDITS: across the universe - beatles

WAKING UP SCENE: "candy" - mandy moore

AVERAGE DAY: "boston" - kenny chesney
"come get some" - rooster


FIRST DATE: "sunday morning" - no doubt
"signed, sealed, delivered" - stevie wonder

FALLING IN LOVE: "somebody like you" - keith urban
"1 thing" - amerie
"i should be sleeping" - emerson drive
"a kiss to build a dream on" - louis armstrong

BEING IN LOVE: "you're all i need" - mary j blige & method man
"super duper love" - joss stone
"whatta man" - en vogue & salt n pepa

LOVE SCENE: "whoknows" - musiq
"my cherie amour" - stevie wonder
"true" - ryan cabrera
"magic" - kenny chesney

SEX SCENE: "any time, any place" - janet jackson
"the body that loves you" - janet jackson

HEARTBREAK SCENE: "dont tell me you do" - rockapella
"follow through" - gavin degraw

REBOUND SCENE: "call and answer" - barenaked ladies
"probably wouldnt be this way" - leann rimes
"tomorrow" - lillix
"you'll think of me" - rascal flatts

LESSON LEARNING: "must get out" - maroon 5
"never leave me alone" - nate dogg & snoop dogg

LIFE'S OKAY: "everybody got their something" - nikki costa
"hold me now" - wayne wonder
"this dj" - warren g

DRIVING SCENE: "hands down" - dashboard confessional
"everlong" - foo fighters
"back to the hotel" - n2deep

FLASHBACK: "material girl" - madonna
"lost in emotion" - lisa lisa & the cult jam


PARTY SCENE: "ms jackson" - outkast
"big pimpin" - jay z
"dont think im not" - kandi

CHILL SCENE: "no shirt, no shoes, no problem" - kenny chesney
"somethin somethin" - maxwell
"get on up" - jodeci

REGRET SCENE: "bless the broken road" - rascal flatts
"the best of me" - the starting line
"home" - michael buble

SLOW DANCE: "i only have eyes for you" - the flamingos
"thinkin of you" - tony toni tone

HAPPY DANCE: "players ball" - jodeci & e40
"find a way" - a tribe called quest
"wake up" - hilary duff

LONG NIGHT ALONE:
"miss you" - blink 182
"last kiss" - pearl jam

GOODBYE: "true to your school" - the beach boys

CLOSING SONG: "come fly with me" - michael buble