i have ennui... and i feel déprimé...

i did not know that that souldecision song "faded" talks about how he feels faded but he wants to hookup and he feels that tonight is the night... while being "faded". total blonde moment.

sorry for the long post before. so my coworkers, all older than me, were all saying how they saw their exes and how they age better than they do and now their exes look all gross and they think i was with you for how long??...

i agree. there was a period of time where my exes were my best friends, because of course, they knew so much about me already, and they had accepted & loved it, and then not so much love as in i love you love, but more like, i accept you as a human being now let's have some good times without the making out, and you can pay for your own shit now.

but yeah, that period of best friend exes is over. has been, officially since summer of 03. sad. i really liked that time. it was hard for me to get over losing them as friends because i remembered them as the kick ass people who were always down for me... but i had to realize that they had changed, and they were no longer the people that i had counted on before. the people they had become were not the kind of people i wanted to trust or tell anything secretive to. it's still difficult, to this day, to accept that. in hindsight we see 20/20. sometimes, not always.

but yes, with some, i wonder and what exactly did i see in you at the time?? right now, even tho i have ennui and deprime, i dont feel bitter towards them. usually i do... but i think i feel ok with that once upon a time, these people made me hella happy. and that time was not "forever, foralways, 637, eternal" etc. wow, gross. anyways...

i feel different, but i know around my closest friends, im not. i know that with those people, i can go back to being how i always am around them, and feel completely wonderful and comfortable in my own skin around them. i wish i could be around them more. but im sure if i was, i'd be wishing for more private time, more independence... what i seem to have more of now.

ok i gotta go handwash some things that need to be handwashed. and pack lunch, isht it's already 945.

im sleepy.

a lot of times i wonder... actually... well, the lack of... communication... makes me wonder if im invisible sometimes...

if it's me or if it's them... it's probably a little bit of both... and i probably wont get answers right away because whats the point, three years later, and im a big pansy, and i hate confrontation... im only honest with those who can be hella honest back...

i think that's how i figure out people... when they confide in me and are completely honest, lets me know that they trust me... and if it's constant, then i realize that i can trust them back... or maybe they do something else that makes me wonder if i want to trust them or not...

people dont see me the way i see them. and that's ok... most of the time.

i remember a time where i just wanted people to leave me alone and i would wonder why they had to be all up in my business like it was their own and they had some right to my decisions or whatever. i still feel like that, but it's like... well i definitely got what i asked for. i think it kinda traumatized me into this.

im not usually this introspective on blogger. i feel like im looking through one of those two way mirrors tho, that im looking in, and i dont realize people can see me, but they can and if you look close enough, you'll realize that.

i feel somewhat ashamed to say this but...


im HELLA amped for the laguna beach season 2 premiere. boo to lc for dissing my college town, which i love and miss.

i know there are so many things i could say and do, that wouldnt be fake, that would get attention, that would make people notice. but that's not who i am anymore... i think i'd scare people off if they knew nothing but the truth tho. which makes me wonder why michael chooses to stay with me despite having this knowledge. im mercilessly attitude-y at times, and he's so... non mood swing having... his patience is amazing.

what would i be if i wanted to be made?? things im not now are all... been there done that over it.

"theyre considered the pretty or beautiful girls at school but it depends on who's looking at them"

i think i need to understand that. no wait, scratch that... i need to... well, fill in that blank.

just when you think you've hit self-actualization, shit happens. makes you wonder... about things that you shouldnt be wondering about, about shit you've already figured out, but then shit comes and you just doubt what you know.

ever since i was censored here... ive felt censored in general. and acted accordingly. it does feel fake. but im also learning not to waste my time on... stupid shit that doesnt really matter, it's just stupid shit you get into when you're young and those things actually matter for some reason. but it doesnt. if you dont have anything nice to say dont say anything at all. unless you're right... but even then it's probably smarter to keep quiet.

tired. have to pack lunch & pick an outfit for tomorrow. the hot weather has made my three week rotation of work clothes a two week rotation. bootches.

it's scary how irrelevant my thoughts are. sleep is relevant. i need relevancy.

john elkins i miss you, sorry we played phone tag, mister i'm a big bad job person now, please take my magnets that have my picture on it. bestfriend, we need to catch up.

hi. so im just sittin here sippin on my plum green tea watchin the scholar hatin on apostrophes. whatevs.

whenever im able to post, what i wanted to say doesnt seem relevant anymore. but what's to say what's relevant and what's not... wont get all philo. on you, schools out for the summer, kiddies... well, for some. others get to stack and restack boxes full of files of people who have been fired three years ago. lucky asses.

my sister has abandoned me to go to texas for two weeks. she does a quick stop off back home this weekend, when we hit up dolores park for my cousin's bday party/picnic. and irving street, so i can possibly get this bag that says "love is friendship set on fire" and shows the angry little asian girl (cha, you know what im talking about) setting a little boy on fire, like a campfire. we got the angry little girls book a couple of weeks ago and it's the most hilarious thing.

that dress that melissa on the scholar has on right now is hella cute. i'd want it shorter, and in yellow. with gold heels with rhinestones.

(OMGEEZE, you people on this show never had to... hey you're wearing a forever 21 top... worry about colleges, because yall have like four point six gpa's and are attending like, five different ivy leagues [two to harvard, two to columbia, one to yale, one to princeton]... you swear you couldn't have gotten scholarships on your own, and take out loans like we all do. yes i know im choosing to watch this... but me & belle have never been able to figure that out, as to why they're on the show, complaining about how they cant go to college bc of money. whatever, with grades like that, and you're all a diverse group, one of you is freakin doing stem cell research forreals!... and then people are all mad bc the scholar chose pomona college, like it's not good enough, like harvard or whatevs. HOLLA AT THE LIBERAL ARTS COLLEGES! private school fo'life. bootch)

summerland series finale!!! bootches! anyone know where i can find that bay area slang dictionary online? imma go google it now. later bootches.

*edit* found it. im hella resourceful.