I want to let go of all that's holding me back. I want to grow down, not up or out... I want to be a little kid again, swinging as high as I possibly can, feeling the breeze of ten feet in my face, and I want my worst pain to be a few scrapes on my knee because I was a damned klutzy kid. I want to hae my tears wiped away with a cartoon band-aid and some neosporin. I wish things were so easy. I want what I can't have. I'm fuckin trapped...

Warning... depressing/negative blog ahead. If I was in a good mood, I wouldn't want to be brought down by it.

I'm having a very bad past few hours... urgh... I don't know what it is, it's just my mindset is in a really really bad place and I just feel negative and unhappy and upset and it's at nothing in particular but then it feels like things just always go wrong when I'm in this mindset...

It took me like twenty minutes to decide what to wear today. Twenty. My God, what is wrong with me? And I can't find my sunglasses... both pairs too.... and I just bought new ones and now I have no idea what's happened to them because I just wore them yesterday so it doesn't make any sense unless I lost them and knowing me that's how it goes because I'm just that unlucky and fucked up.

I need some sort of release right now. I'm so stressed and tense and unhappy that I can't stand it. I'm just happy I get to go home tomorrow evening... although my mother will probably only piss me off more. But I'm looking forward to seeing the new computer and my cats... hopefully they'll be in a good mood and want to play with me.

UGH what the fuck is wrong with me? I'd go shopping but shopping depresses me too. Especially trying on clothes. SHIT I'm getting so fat it's disgusting. Fat in the sense that I'm gaining weight and it doesn't feel good or natural and it's not going to the places you'd think I should gain weight in. God I'm so unhappy right now. I'm just pissed off at the world and the world is flipping me off in return.

I have the best boyfriend EVER. His jet lagged ass dragged it on over here last night. While I gifted him with some cup o noodles, I tried "kinder bueno"... "mlik and hazlenuts covered in a chocolate covered wafer shell"... those brits know their candy... I watched his video of Buckingham Palace... I still liked the royalty of Disney on Ice Princess Classics better...

School is getting evil... I just feel like everything's going downhill... they're cramming whatever they can before our spring break, I think... who's visiting me during their spring breaks?? GUNA! You know you need to visit me... I'm dying here. Literally.

My father is funny. He said that if we didn't have insurance, he'd let us die. Drugs are expensive, man. I like talking politics. My mom is mean. I told her she'd buy me vegetables for Friday and she mentioned Starbucks. So evil.

My new obsession is bacon. "Yep he's fat, he's a fatty. You don't care that he's so fat that he needs a crane to lift him from his house?" Sorry, that line from You've Got Mail jumped into my mind after I mentioned the bacon thing. I like bacon. And croissants. MMM.

I saw me some INDIANA PACERS. =D Away teams playing the Warriors practice @ our gym... so cool. Too bad I didn't know any players from there... cept Scott Pollard bc he used to play for the Kings but I already passed by the gym when Michael told me that. More laters, hasta!

Okay I know you might not understand this because you don't know my auntie and you're not a politics major like me... but yeah so my cousin sent the family an email about same sex marriages & whatnot and I thought I'd share this part of my auntie's response with you...

well, let's see, the democrat's forerunner, kerry, is also against same sex marriage, but at least he's not asking for constitutional amendment; and i'm not voting for that loser ralph nader.

Sorry, I just thought there part where she called Ralph Nadar (Green party candidate running for President in November) a loser extremely humorous.

Anyways... so I like how I just found out last night that I have a politics paper due tomorrow... joy... and I have a paper to share for peer review where thirteen people can say how my work sucks... and I have a take home quiz for rel&spirituality in asia due in twenty five hours...

I like college.

I like chicken tenders here too. And tater tots. Sorry, I haven't been off campus in awhile and I haven't seen or heard from my boyfriend in like a week sort of, my joy is shifting.

Hello! Still cootylicious...

I realize that conversation cheers me up. Good conversation. It doesn't have to mean anything... but it does have to be interesting... so if you feel like cheering me up... then there ya go...

Hmm... what else... Michael comes home tomorrow! I heard from him today when he was at the tube... he made me want fish & chips... how come my school never has fish & chips... you'd really think, wouldn't you?... anyways I don't really understand why I'm missing him more than usual, it wasn't this bad during his stay in the p.i....

OH! So today... I stole a can of soup from Albertson's on accident... because of the self checkout counter... because first I did nectarines... and I guess it wasn't done processing the albertson's savings card savings from the nectarines or something... and then I scanned the soup can and it beeped like it does when you scan an item and put it in the bag... and then I did the rest of my groceries... and then I was surprised @ the cheap price... so when I left the store I looked at the receipt and there was no soup can! =( I now need to do something to balance out the karma.

So much food... no hunger... no nausea too at least...

Oscars tonight... I want to dress up pretty... but at least no uncomfortable heels... but then no hot looking calves because of the uncomfortable shoes... I determined that I currently favor my calves... too bad I'm looking rather pallid as of lately...

Is it wrong to feel that Charlie from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory was kinda a wuss?... I don't know how I feel about him... not good... he thought he should get it because he wanted it more than anyone else in the world? He was all whiny about it too... like Ryan Philippe in Antitrust... and when he finds money what does he buy even when there's no more golden tickets to be found? Chocolate! No vegetables for this kid, nothing to care for his bed ridden grandparents, just a big ass chocolate bar for himself! The book was better. Maybe Johnny Depp will do it some justice.