where are all the nice guys? why am I just now realizing why guys get such a bad reputation... because man, guys are just gross. I don't care if I'm young and I'm not supposed to be tied down and I'm supposed to gallavant, guys are just plain gross, the whole lot of them immature and inconsiderate, while I am lucky enough to be with someone who isnt perfect but strives for a perfect love with me.

I have nice guy friends, and the boyfriend is the nicest guy there is... like I told BJ last week, I know there's no guy who would put up with me as much as he does without complaining and without name calling (YES my boyfriend has NEVER name called... which is more than I can say for me) and no guy will ever treat me as good as this guy does. Lately he's just keeping me in check a little more because I am spoiled, and I got used to it... and now I can't be as spoiled as I was (and yes I was completely spoiled, luckier than I knew at the time) so it's just bringing me down to reality... but even though he can't spoil me the way he used to... he'll still drive my ass around to all these places that he may not really want to go to, he'll care for me when I'm sick (even sick in the girl sense, like the monthly sense, he really really does take care of me during that time, even though you wouldnt think so because he doesnt experience it so he shouldnt understand but he cares for me like he does)... he puts up with my family accidentally but routinely calling him "Mark" for the past four years. And all of this has been true for the past four years... four...

All of this is true. I need affirmation, but not really... my affirmation states me in the face, and I know it all, and I shouldn't take the advice of people who have never been in a real relationship in the first place, people who lack common sense, people who haven't matured yet... just because these were people who meant something to me in the first place, popular response to my thinking so has always been wondering why. Now I wonder along with them.

I don't need to convince them. All that matters is what I know... and while it may appear naive to some people... can you really be naive after four years of something that is tried and true. And who should I convince, this person who once had a significant other and broke up with her without actually telling her to her face? The same person who never had a real relationship? Wow, I really need to realize the facts about how above this I should be.

Occasionally I wonder if I'm missing out because I shut people out, because I keep to myself and a very few chosen friends. Then someone comes along and proves to me how screwed up people can be... then I realize I am safer and happier remaining somewhat incognito... am I using that word right?

Thank you a lot, Tricia, for being there to confirm what I felt. Even though I knew what I felt, and I would have felt it irregardless (Mean Girls shoutout) of confirmation. But it felt good to have it confirmed & know that someone would have reacted just as I did.

Someone needs to shake me with the truths that my head knows. Just because one ass comes around and shakes me up doesn't mean a thing... it just happens so... well I've tried to make it happen so irregularly... that it does just throw me for a loop. I'm human... even if I know the real of it.

I've had a rough night. Sorry for the excessive posting, I have a lot to say tonight. Some people, however, say too much.

ok this might just be my weird sense of humor... but i must share that with the world!!

http://www.littlelostrobot.com/2005/11/humps.html

ps. rest in peace hubert

OMG I'm so fucking pissed right now.

I CANNOT BELIEVE that some people can be so closeminded, inconsiderate, judgmental. Go ahead and be a shit talker but if it's someone I'm obviously close to, then how can you say such a thing and not expect me to react?? Effing incredible.

I confide in people because I trust them. I believe they're not going to judge me or my situation, make a level headed statement or observation. Are you really going to say something so blatantly judgmental and just... God, ok, yes I can complain about someone's actions but that gives you absolutely no right to pass such simple judgment as if it's truth. And obviously I am confiding in you for reassurance or level reasoning, NOT for some incredibly unreasonable judgment like that, especially when it's so obvious that you didn't even truly understand what I told you in the first place. You asked me something, I said it wasn't true and I told you what really happened, and you still went back to whatever you wrongly thought in the first place and found it necessary to tell me. Like I really needed to hear something like that. You're so fucked up. Sure it's a 'guy's perspective'... but if that's truly the case then thank GOD i am not single because guys are jerks.

I'd like to fill in the blanks, so go ahead and ask me, some of you will probably tell me that you knew this person was like this in the first place, and I now completely agree and do not understand why I ever considered this person a real friend. Sure, real friends tell you the truth and give you hard love when you need it, but there was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that was loving about that statement, telling me what, as a guy, what you think happened.

I'm so mad right now, i'm like realy furious. I haven't been this furious at anyone in such a long time, like really really furious. It's amazing. I can't believe someone so small minded can get me so worked up like this. ARRRRGH.

pirate moment. sorry. very upset. very angry. like angry angry. not just upset, not sad, but truly furiously mad.

eventually I'll realize this person is not worth this energy. but for now... just pissed.

I talked with a friend that I met about two and a half years ago... March of 2003. We got to talking about fear... how much it takes to overcome it... be ready to face it... how so many people can't... and then today I realized...

even if you face it... even if you say that you've already overcome your fears... something can happen that can shake you up, your mindset can switch back to off, and you can become fearful again.

the fear prevents us from doing so much. from being better than what we are. from what me and my friend were saying... from being pushed to your full potential, to your limits.

the fear stops progress. fear creates silence.

i am afraid to ask for help. i am afraid to ask someone, anyone, because i am desperate, to be there for me, to allow me to cry for a very long time, to talk things out with me without being judgemental, with knowing my intentions, with understanding the situation... i am afraid to put myself out there to ask. but i guess i inadvertantly just did that.

so, congrats, dre, that you are achieving the passions in your life. it took a lot to get where you are, but take heart in realizing that some people just stop, while you kept going. i admire that.

i want to stop. i want to quit. i want to stop putting myself out there only to get hurt. i want to stop sacrificing and silencing myself in order to please others.

it's when i started being quiet, when i started censoring myself because what i was saying offended others... that's when i stopped being me. and then it just spread to people i didn't like to people who used to be close to me to my closest closest friend. i closed myself off because i didn't feel comfortable enough to say what i felt. and i am ashamed of that. i am no longer true to myself.

i am having a very bad year. it's sad and regretful because there are more downs that ups to look back upon. even when i try to adjust, when i try to make changes... it just makes things worse.

i wish i didnt feel so on my own in making things right.

i hate that i have no time for myself, and i have to keep putting up a face to please others.

http://www.nba.com/kings/news/Royalty_of_the_Week.html

My boyfriend's Royalty of the Week. What's yours?