UHHHM... I forget.

Actually not really but sort of. I'm sad for many reasons. Not really sad but like... rant (again... it's not even a PMS week... or is it?? My body's weird I dont know)...

I was copying my class schedule just in case I lose it & I don't feel like going online to get it... or something... I just needed it down on paper you know... so I wrote it out and now my hand hurts again. It's been two weeks! This is killing me. I have to be able to use my right hand. I'm a writer! This is why I'm posting more... cause I can't write in my regular journals. So yes, between trying to work & earn money & writing to release my thoughts & stress... my hand hurts. It's so no funn. It means no bowling with the boyfriend for awhile.

Yes, and while I was copying my schedule, I'm starting to slightly worry about my classes. One of my classes is fifteen minutes after the other... but my advisor told me it's only five or ten minutes away so... I dont know. I'm still worried. I'm going to need my breakfast!!! & my Mondays are hella booked up... ok, my last class is ballroom & swing dancing but still... I'm scared.

Yes. College, the thing I've been looking forward to for like two years now, scares me. Sigh. I'm scared of so many things... & it's the suspense too, in that it doesn't start for over a month... you know? The knots in my tummy are just getting started.

I just got done watching You've Got Mail on TNT & then they're going to play The Wedding Planner. These are movies I used to watch regularly... like I can quote lines. It's funn. Shh... dont tell my sis I don't know where her Deliver Us From Eva is... it's somewhere in this house (I hope!!!) I still want to watch it too.

I'm already at a "career" fork in the road... I have an opportunity to get another job... that pays better... & it's inside... & it'll probably prep me better for the college work for student program I'll be doing once I start school... but I think that my parents won't let me work there just cause my bf works there & they're going to think that I'm only working there bc of him & it's going to distract me blah blah blah. I don't know!

Cause I kind of want to stick it out @ JVC... cause it's not like the conditions are all that bad... but after having some sexist issues come up, & then bad customers who ruin my day... I don't know! I like my employers & fellow employees (for the most part...)... so yeah. Could I do both? I don't know!!! Jengy with two jobs? Hecka... weird....

Uhm I'm sort of hungry even tho I ate today. Fast metabolism (Deanna... "I have a really high metrabolism... metrab... metab....") But its late and I dont feel like cooking & eating processed food would be detrimental to my health. Bye!

Okay so quick rant... there's this one person... & i thought that i'd be having more contact with said person over the summer bc of closeness & long past... but i guess not... apparently this someone is too busy with someone else to remember other people... so there goes one expectation...

And then on the other hand this other person keeps... well talking to me... contacting me... I guess as per agreement as to not lose contact bc school is over but come on, how many people have actually said that to me and meant it??? So this person is talking to me more now than this person has during the school time. What the hell... I guess I'm just not used to it... I shouldn't be complaining that someone cares huh?

Today was more eventful than I thought it would have been... & long!! What the hell is it with me going out and doing the tiring funn thing all day long on my days off? Anyways... yeah started out the day by getting picked up by stephie then we went to tricia's & deanna's area, where cha was waiting... & then we proceeded to chrissy's house... & charlene was there, but she didnt go with us for some reason... sadness...

so we went to bart @ el cerrito plaza where we parked in front of ross... took pictures around the bart station so steph could remember her first bart experience foralways... haha... then yeah... got off @ powell... went to...??? disney in union square... then went to old navy... had lunch with cha's madre @ buca di beppo's... it was great... i was the only one who had been there before... mm chicken with lemon... anyways... yes afterwards we went to old navy, virgin, gap, borders, & nordstrom... then snack breaked @ haagan daaz... then went home...

interesting things that happened?... uhm deanna & this one old filipino lady were the same for awhile cause they were both pulling those suitcases with wheels cause deanna bought one for nine dollars @ disney that had stitch on it & it lit up... we laughed when steph put an "XL" sticker on deanna's ass... but then l8r deanna got her revenge when she (or tricia i think) put a "press here" sticker on steph's ass... @ bart, the guy sitting behind chrissy & cha was kinna creepy & he kept looking @ us & laughing @ our jokes... when deanna braided steph's "tail", and steph complimented her braiding skills ("farmer the cornrower), the chick behind them was all checking out steph's braid to see what the fuss was all about... haha

uhhm i think that's it. i kept forgetting my bag everywhere. @ bart & @ tricia's house. that wasnt good.

now I'm kind of sad cause i was supposed to see the bf & watch pirates with him & dru & camille tonite but relatives invited themselves over and now I'm just here... but I'm kind of happier cause whose line is it anyway is on abc family!!! that's great. i want candy. or chinese food. ok.

i dont want to work tomorrow. poo. poo, indeed.

cha said that blogger is more like a journal than the whole xanga thing where it's all interactive and other people can put their input... so i need to talk about things i feel inside and that i cant tell ANYONE (and i do mean anyone) bc everyone makes me feel uncomfortable so im forced to keep things to myself.

ever since i was ten... yeah ten. i was the person that people can talk to about serious stuff... like when people had problems i can listen & respond to without responding with one word things and "aw forreals... dang..." type of things you know? I was better than that. I guess it's ongoing to this day. the problem with being that person tho... is that that person always gets ignored... im the serious one... not the person you laugh with and have all the inside jokes and gets invited to the weekly movie and/or mall outing.

I'm overlooked, to put it quite simply. Tired of it? Oh yeah... it's really like I dont exist. Feelings of WORTHLESSNESS have arisen lately. I dont know why, but it's like everyone really makes me feel quite...worthless. No worth anything. Having no value. Not important. Not that I need to feel important... it's just that it's nice not to be ignored and overlooked for all that you do.

I mean, I do like listening and talking to people about serious stuff... but seriously the best thing about that is the gratitude that I get from it all... but when it's like... like I know I did something good... but it's like... not that it was for nothing... but there's no recognition for it... then what the hell is it for?

If you couldn't tell, today wasnt a very good day for me. I'm still tired now... why am I online?... an effort (in vain) to make it better. Not working.

It's like when I'd come home with good grades... and my parents didnt even act like they cared... so it's like, what the hell did I bust my ass for? Yeah, I'm proud of my accomplishments... but without recognition, it's like it never even happened.

It's like... when people think of you as a close friend... but you're the only one who knows that... you know? Like they tell you that and they act all grateful that you're so whatever whatever, but then in public... you're completely forgotten. Like you don't even exist.

In an episode of Buffy, people treated this girl like she didn't exist, and she turned invisible. I keep waiting for that to happen. Either that... or make it happen myself... you know... disappear?...

Work was boring, but then radios make it funn... we tried to do the one word story thingy between the carts & trees but it broke... so that didn't work... and then yeah... we just talked a lot... we aren't supposed to do that... but that's what happens when things are slow...

Tom & I sang & danced to matchboxtwenty's Unwell... it was great... he made me stop rinsing cups & stuff so we could boxstep. I thought he was all old school rock but I guess not. Tom makes me feel better about myself cause he keeps saying about what a loser he is, how he doesn't really have anyone to go out with, he doesn't do anything, he just sits @ home and goes to work... & it kind of reminds me of me cause I do nothing cept sit @ home and go to work... & I never thought Tom was a loser cause he has enough self confidence to be the way he is and not give a fuck about what other people think about him... so it gives me hope that just cause I'm a hermit who does nothing with anyone, and just goes to work a lot... and that doesn't mean that I'm a bad person or not worthwhile. So thank you Tom. You & Berlinette are my favourite people @ work... besides John & Travis & Beth & Kelly cause they give me a paycheck & yeah... & yes, thank you also to John for saying that "Jenn's good @ everything" when Joe asked him who does what best in the prep room. I think he just said that tho cause I was standing right there. But I'll just play naive little girl and pretend it was forreal.

Uhm that's it. I don't like being stood up for stuff... or other people. It makes me feel like I'm not important enough to be around... that I'm not worthwhile. I hate feeling that way. I also hate it when I tell people I hate feeling that way, and then they make me feel that way without a second thought. Inconsiderate people suck.

Ok bye.

So I left off a few days ago??? Time for a recap!

July 3 - Uhhm what did I do with my mother... I had to go to Kaiser & thought I was going to get shot but I don't think so... & then went to the DMV to get my CA ID cause no license for meee!! LOL... I really don't know why tho... haha just cause! So yes, go CA ID, necessary for writing checks & purchasing cigarettes. =) Haha when I told my mom that, she was all shocked when I said that cause she thought that u had to be 21 to buy cigs. I always thought that smoking is the thing I'd get into, you know, my bad habit. Apparently tho it hasn't kicked in yet. Anyways, new topic.

After that, had lunch @ Princess Garden with my mom & Michael... then went to the movies to go see Legally Blonde 2 with Cha, Tricia, Steph, Michael, James, & Chrissytina... just like my future roomie Steph, I was disappointed it wasn't as good as the first... but unlike Michael said, it was NOO Boat Trip (worst movie EVER). Then we went to L&L's, & while we were waiting for food, I went to Jamba Juice and waited in the longest line ever, then came back to L&L's to eat...

Then we went to Target where I got the Rooney CD, then went into Rasputin's, out of Rasputins, into Starbucks for awhile, said hi to Mr. Hammernick, then camped out on the grass by Blockbuster where people thought we were crazy for being there for so long. Around nine, Dru & Camille came, & we all watched the fireworks. Pretty.

July fourth... I worked for twelve & a half hours!!!!!!!! Hella crazy. But it was all okae... I yelled @ some chick for using profane language by my cart! It says you can't do that in the park map, READ!!! Haha... I dont remember what else happened... it was a good day... a $120 day! Hell yeah!! Buh bye loans (ha I wish!)!

July fifth... worked from ten to... three???!?! Travis! Making me sign out @ three... so Sheila & I sought our revenge by wreaking havoc in Sharkey's, aka throwing ice @ RegIna Tortellini (as it says in our schedules!) while she's working & selling @ the register. Ha!

Then I got all ready for Jae's debut... man I felt weird when I put on my dress cause it's like the trendiest thing I've ever put on... cause normally I'm not all trendy, as Cha knows, I'm just comfortable enough not to get made funn of in public... but yeah. It was all polka dot funn.

Ok, so not to offend anyone whose cotillion I've attended in the past, but Jami's kicked hella ass. The food alone was blog worthy, hot damn! Sushi (which I actually didn't eat), & a carver! For the roast beef! Yay!!! & the dessert bar! With pecan bars & chocolate covered strawberries!! Joyful! & Yes the slideshow was muy entertaining even tho it didn't have the picture from Jr. Prom where Jae & I shared a stick of gum (yes, and all that that implies!!!) Haha.

What else? John was evil that night... my boyfriend matched with Jami's boyfriend, the one who doesn't know the date of her party... I spilled coffee on Cha's feet... the "soundtrack" of her party as kickin... Chrissy who looked like Posh Spice did an arousing rendition of T.A.T.U."s "All the Things She Said"... Deanna was on Deanna Time, & I miss her... Jae was adorable during her thank you speach... Sean's like this generation's William Cullen Bryant... & yes! I think that's it... G5!

Today... work... quite slow... EQUAL OPPORTUNITY EMPLOYERS ARE GOOD. UHHHM guess that's it?? Hehe Janel's funny... Kelly = Baby Tiger... Travis = Hooters Girl. Watch those flying trays. =) Work is entertaining. Bye!